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Do you want to know how tired I am?

I almost put a scented marker on my lips because I thought that it was chap stick. I don't even care if that's the correct word, because I just waiting to watch Cheryl perform tonight, making a phone call, studying for AP Chemistry, and sleeping.

Oh, and I had nine hours of sleep, which is basically the worst feeling ever.

No, it's not your fault. <3.

So, I don't appreciate being called "Emo," but it really doesn't matter because my feelings aren't important. I'm going to censor myself and just say blah.

Oh, and if the College of Arts and Sciences at Cornell University requires three years of a foreign language I'm going to hit myself and cry for hours.
I'll totally be in a different galaxy for college, so you have to be certain that your warp speed is functioning properly.
Your Birthdate: April 14

You work well with others. That is, you're good at getting them to do work for you.
It's true that you get by on your charm. But so what? You make people happy!
You're dynamic, clever, and funny. And people like to have you around.
But you're so restless, they better not expect you to stay around for long.

Your strength: Your superstar charisma

Your weakness: Commitment means nothing to you

Your power color: Fuchsia

Your power symbol: Diamond

Your power month: May

Well, I do have amazing mooching abilities, but it's not my fault that people just give me free stuff. ^^;.

Woo, this entry can also remind people of my birthday. I'LL BE EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD. I'm totally stealing Cheryl's idea and making a shirt that says "Legal in all fifty states."
So, I basically decided that I'm anti-medicine, and anti-therapy. I'm also anti-stupid, but that's completely different.
Oh, and some people lie so frequently it's difficult to discern what is the truth or what is some manipulated untruth that has ulterior motives.

I'm sabotaging myself.

I'm just going to promote delusions and assume that everyone loves me. Yes, I know it's very unrealistic, but it will make life less painful. Well, I can hope.

I'm attempting to be content with my seemingly meaningless life, and I'm only partially successful. Well, I know things will improve. ;D. I'm looking forward to the ice cream, Swedish Fish, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and good times. ^^;.

I enjoy working with Chris even despite the fact that it really causes me to neglect my homework, but it's basically forcing myself to be less serious.

I'll update tomorrow when I'm not on borrowed time.

Oh, and certain things just don't make any sense, but I just have to learn to trust my mom. She's a supreme being. Well, she's completely insane but she has certain divine powers. =/.

Nov. 12th, 2005

So, I think everything is poop.

Yes, I said it POOP.

Oh, and it's not normal everyday poop it's the strange colored variety so every time it happens you think you're going to die. Woo, it's fatal poop.

I want to sleep/pass out/etc.

Nov. 12th, 2005

Oh, and I love Brave New World because it's so disturbing and I'm honestly intrigued by that.

Nov. 11th, 2005

I remember that the entire day yesterday I was hoping to pass out because then I could recover and actually have time to sleep. Well, the only purpose of sleep now is an escape because I'm constantly tired. I think that discovering what is physically wrong with me would allow me to better cope with my emotional problems. I would like to live without fatigue because in this physical state its very difficult to achieve my goals. I fell asleep at 8:30 last night and completely neglected some of my homework, and I'm upset with myself but I really couldn't prevent it. I want to sleep the entire day tomorrow but I have homework, college application essays, and work.

So, the concert was awesome but the entire time I was wishing that Henry was the person next to me. =/. He could have protected me from the insane people. I really enjoyed Maritime, and American Analog Set initially reminded me of The Postal Service and then a lullaby. WOO! JIMMY EAT WORLD AS THE MAIN PERFORMANCE, it was so unbelievable. Well, they played some songs that I didn't know so I couldn't sing, but I just enjoyed screaming so loud that it hurt. Oh, and I had a remarkable high pitch. I'm totally wearing stilts to my next concert, or taking copious amounts of growth hormone, and possibly steroids so I can push people.

I was hoping for a series of strange events that would cause my death after the concert because then I could be certain that I would die happy. I don't fear death but rather I welcome it with complete acceptance. I'm just afraid that I'll die miserable, alone, and unloved.

I believe that my dedication to be optimistic is basically impossible because of this secret conspiracy against me.

I basically didn't talk to Dustin because he still doesn't feel the need to apologize, but I believe I still treated him nicely. I gave him money for gas and parking so he really can't complain about that.

I hate that I have to constantly lie to hang out with the people that I actually enjoy hanging out with. I'm not a child and I'm definitely different than the person I was as a fifteen year old. I have replaced my surrealism with realism or perhaps cynicism and I can only imagine that my bitterness will increase everyday. Well, unless a miracle happens and my life suddenly improves but you should know that I'm not a person of faith.

I'm all sugarated and caffeinated but I'm still ridiculously tired. I hope I have arthritis.

I decided that I'm only going to talk to Henry, and Tim. Oh and Phil because he's unadulterated awesomeness. =D. I would say Erik and Matt, but I just bother them. I just need to survive through this emotional turmoil until next school year, and then I can leave basically everything I know now and attempt to live a life of contentment. I'm finished attempting to convince people to hang out with me, or pleasing people, because honestly it's not my talent. I breed a special variety of hatred that is uncontrollable. I really need to Cornell University because it would make me so indescribably happy. I would be able to meet people that thrive in an intellectually stimulating environment and are primarily concerned with their studies. Well, if I'm accepted I really won't visit much and when I do I probably will spend a majority of my time in the library because I love it like I would my child. I probably creeped people out with that statement, but I don't care. I think only one person would miss me, but I'm grateful that I have him. <3.

I still have more complaints so I'll finish this tomorrow.

Oh, and Henry, you're a loser. XD.



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